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Fact & Fantasy 11 G.W. Bush - his shopping list: And speaking of Dubya _ he has a $4,000,000 limousine which bears the Secret Service code name STAGECOACH. It has 8-12" armour, a strengthened base to withstand mines and a petrol tank which cannot explode, along with gun ports, an air filter system and tear-gas cannons. Also on board is an infra-red night-driving system, which identifies movement outside the range of the headlights. It has missile detectors. It can run at 65 mph with all its tires shredded and there is usually an identical decoy driving in the presidential convoy. There is also a folding desk, blue leather armchairs and a CD player. Last but not least, the vehicle is stocked with cans of Diet Coke - and bottles of Mr. Bush's blood type. Just in case. (Should we note here that Fidel Castro walks among his own people alone and unarmed?) ------- SIXTEEN VIOLINISTS in the Beethoven Orchestra in Bonn, Germany, are suing for a pay rise on the ground that they play many more notes per concert than fellow players. --------- Rumour has it that Coca-Cola has been testing a vending machine that can automatically increase prices as the temperature goes up. Rumour also has it that a rival beverage industry executive responded to this news thus: "What's next, a machine with an X-ray scanner that can see how much change you have in your pocket before it announces what price you'll have to pay for a Coke?" ------ LANGUAGE If the METRIC SYSTEM ever takes over, we may have to change our traditional sayings: A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers ---- ------- MEMPHIS IN FINLAND -----
------------ Of all the people ever born on planet Earth, 51% are now alive. That's why you can't find a parking space. ---- The populations of the USA, Europe and Japan consume three-quarters
of the world's energy production. If present world energy production
were to be shared equally, North Americans would have to get by on
one-fifth of the per capita amount they presently consume. Put differently,
world population may be estimated at 11 billion people after the year
2050. If of these 11 billion people the per capita energy consumption
was similar to that of Americans in the mid-1970s, conventional oil
resources would be exhausted in 34-74 years. --
--- BABY QUOTES People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. (Leo J. Burke) A baby is loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. (Ronald Knox) Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose - with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs. (P.J. O'Rourke) Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head. (Carol Burnett) My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash. (Joan Rivers) -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- RE. CHILDREN: Ben and Jerry's has an ice cream sundae called the VerMonster: it has 20 scoops of ice cream, four bananas, three chocolate-chip cookies, one fudge brownie, four ladles of hot fudge, 18 scoops of toppings and lashings of whipped cream. It has to be eaten at one sitting because the feeding trough it comes in won't fit in your freezer. Costs $32 and can be obtained at 174 Newbury Street, Boston. Any guess as to calories? Or howzabout a 704-calorie white-chocolate challah bread pudding,
obtainable from Figs,67 Main Street, Charlestown, MA, for $6.95 ...
7 egg yolks, 3 cups of cream, 10 ounces of white chocolate, dense challah
bread soaked in batter. All baked and then dusted with powdered sugar. JUST PLAIN OLD FUNNY The 'Latrobe Valley Express' reported that a persistent flasher 'has
been exposing himself to teenage girls in the Traralgon area, wearing
a sugar bag over his head and nothing else. The police are said to
be preparing an identikit picture. The girls in college complained to the school that boys in the next
dorm were walking around in the nude in their room with the shades
up. The dean came to the girls' room to check it out and said "Your
window is at the top of the wall. How can you see across the courtyard?" "Oh,
it's easy," replied the girls. "We just stand on the chair." GENDER Women like silent men. They think they're listening. (Marcel Archard) COUNTRIES THAT HAVE ALREADY HAD FEMALE HEADS OF STATE: THE GOOD OLD DAYS IN MAYENCE, FRANCE, IN THE 1300s, legal action was taken against
some flies for the crime of annoying the local peasants. The flies
were cited to appear at a specified time to answer for their conduct
but 'in consideration of their small size and the fact that they had
not yet reached the age of their majority", an advocate was appointed
for them by the court. This talented personage not only won the case
but actually succeeded in securing for the flies a piece of land over
which the peasants were no longer permitted to wander. HEADLINES -- Patient at Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through. HOUSEWORK South African researchers working in New Zealand said they are developing cockroach-shaped robots to do housework and yard work. In a recent Harris online poll, 38,562 men across the USA were asked
to identify women's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said
that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this
has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most
men do not realise that in this fantasy one man is cooking and the
other is cleaning. talking about JOBS The factory of the future will have only two employees: a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment. (Warren G. Bennis) Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or
near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling
other people to do so. (Bertrand Russell) LOVE IS .... (ISN'T, COULD BE, MAY BE) OLDER women are best because they always think they may be doing it for the last time. (IAN FLEMING) I want to do with you what the spring does with the cherry trees (Pablo Neruda) Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. (Butch Hancock) When you're in love, it's the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life. Love: woman's eternal spring and man's eternal fall. (Helen Rowland) A PHRASE ONE NEVER HEARS: My lover and I are doing our taxes. ------- THAT'S ENOUGH FOR NOW. THE SHOW'S OVER. |
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